It's Been Awhile

It's been a while since I've posted. I've been steadily working out and eating right and I have not lost a pound...And I'm okay with that, for the first time. I feel great. And I feel my strength and endurance increasing everyday. I have gotten my blood pressure down to 124/88 which is great from the borderline high blood pressure I had over the past few years. That blood pressure was when I was experiencing pain and stress! I got an injury in my back and right arm from doing one arm push ups with my trainer. The crazy thing was I didn't feel any pain that night, I felt it the next morning. And it stayed acute for the next few days. After a week, I went to see the Orthopedic Surgeon. He prescribed steroids and Flexerall and I immediately felt better. So after a week off, I was back to QVR yesterday. And I got through my workout and felt great. Last week, although I didn't do QVR, I still managed to get to the treadmill and do Zumba at my job with my awesome co-workers! I am feeling like I'm in a great place right now. I may not meet my weight goal before my trip to Israel this year, but I'm still feeling like I have accomplished so much. My husband keeps telling me how proud of me he is- that I have worked through the pain and that I will not give up. Things are changing this time, hopefully for the best, hopefully for the long term...

Stalled Out

Losing weight is hard. The struggle is real. Breaking bad habits is something you have to wake up and recommit yourself to over and over again. I haven't had a great week two so far. I did not get any of my four days of cardio in but I still have three days left. I'm having a bit of a pity party. Watching the Biggest Loser and I Used to be Fat is so helpful for me because I see the pathology, the quitting mentality, the pull to the unhealthy habits... So what can I do? 

1. I can stop obsessing over how far I gave to go. For some reason I equate working out and losing weight with being dissatisfied with my current state. That does not have to be true. 

2. I can celebrate how far I've come! I used to eat fast food all day everyday. I used to consume pop like it was water. At one time when I was 266 pounds I consumed almost 3,000 callries in a day! Now I only drink water and tea; I never eat fast food and I keep my caloriesto around 1,500 even on cheat days. Why not celebrate those facts??? Why not celebrate how my clothes fit??? Why not celebrate how clear my skin is??? Why not embrace myself. (Tears)

3. I am identifying a pattern of self-destruction. I see that whenever I start to accomplish something there is a part of me- afraid of failure, I guess, that starts to want to regress back to what's comfortable. This pattern is very hard to identify in myself but I can see it clearly in the clients I lifecoach. I have to identify and rectify this pattern as it is holding me back. Any suggestions?

Sustaining

This week has been challenging. I'm been very, very tempted to emotionally overeat. And I have not been able to get in my AM cardio because I've needed to be at work, Dr's appointment, work earlier than usual to make up the time for Monday when I was at my Grandfather's funeral. So, I am not feeling as good about this week as I did last week. But I have attended my two Body by Todd sessions and stuck pretty closely to the Shred Week 2 diet, although I have doubled my snacks every day.

I talked to my loving co-worker and the dietitian at my job and they suggested that I shoot for 2 pounds a week weight loss. I explained that I didn't want the goal to be so low that it would allow for me to slip up, but Carmen countered by pointing out that if I lost too fast, it would be more likely to come back... So I am going to modify my weight loss to be a little kinder and forgiving to myself. I am doing a great job, but the cravings this week show me that my body is rebelling a bit. And I don't want to lose the great ground that I have covered.

Although it's only been one and a half weeks, it seems like it's been much longer. And the euphoria from last week has worn off and the realization that this is a lifestyle commitment is settling in. I may not get the results that someone from bariatric surgery would get, but the results are going to come, and as Carmen reminded me, they will be more than just a smaller number on the scale!

One small victory for me today is that I have been medically cleared of Mysthenthia Gravis.(http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Myasthenia_gravis) The doctors suspected that I may have had this autoimmune disease because I have an enlarged thymus gland or a thymoma which is common in a majority of people who have MG. Thank God after several tests, I have been cleared of this debilitating disease. I can now focus on my weight loss and the possible surgery to remove the tumor. I am breathing a sigh of relief. I have more reasons now to continue to push myself (gently) to know that I can break this plateau and that I will continue working until I get to my goal weight, even if it takes a decade. I'm worth it!!!!!

Drained

I traveled to Cleveland today for my Paternal Grandfather's funeral and I am drained- physically and emotionally. And I'm hungry- really hungry- I had 3 snacks after dinner and I still not full. This not the stomach- it's my emotions, and maybe a little bit of dehydration. How do I get through this feeling without ruining the 4 pound weight loss from last week? Especially with knowing that it will be very difficult to work out this week. I have to be at work at 8am and I have a procedure and a trial Weds. What is a girl to do? I need to work out first thing in the morning. That focuses me and forces me to think about everything I put in my mouth. What's the best thing for me? To sleep on it tonight and wake up with the same intensity I woke up everyday with tomorrow. Knowing that tomorrow is weigh in at Body by Todd. I love myself enough to let this day go and start over tomorrow!!!!

Beast Mode

Why would I return to a studio/gym where I encountered so much pain yesterday? Because I love myself enough  to push past the pain for a healthier, fuller life. Everytime the work out got rough, one side of me would say, "I could just quit. What's so bad about being fat?" And the fit girl inside would push back, "Everything." When I leaned over to my 16 year old and asked her "What's so bad about being fat?" She said,"Dying early." Dang. How's that for perspective. 40 crunches it is!

My husband told me twice this evening how proud he is of me. And not because I'm eating right- I've done that before- or exercised- I've done that before. It's because he sees the fire in my eyes. He can sense that this time it different. That all the excuses and procrastination is gone. It's do or die. As Beachbody says, It's time to "Decide. Commit. Succeed." That's just what I intend to do. 

Doing It!

I had a great workout this morning. I am pushing past all the obstacles and excuses and doing what I have to do. My neck is really bothering me, but I tuned it out in order to focus on the results I want. I just wanted to share my prep work for this week in hopes that it will help someone.

What did I need to get started?
Where?: Several fun aerobics, a gym membership and a personal trainer at Body by Todd
What?: I needed comfortable pants to work out in, a sports bra and a tank top- I also wore a sweatshirt to mazimize my sweat! I love what Dacia says: "Sweat is just fat crying!" I used to hate to sweat.
How?: How did I get to this point? I watched tons of Biggest Loser and I Used to Be Fat. These shows helped me to think about what my mind set needed to be in order to be successful. I realized if I didn't have the right mindset I would not lose weight for good. I am ready to lose the weight for good this time. I also began to really ruminate over how obesity is affecting my children's lives. Two of my daughters are overweight and I want to model great behavior for them before they get my age.
When?: The best time for me to work out is first thing in the morning. It gives me a great feeling of accomplishment that lasts all day. Studies have also shown that working out on an empty stomach helps you to burn calories all day. Also there's no excuses if all you have to do is wake up and hit the gym (or put in a DVD).
Why?: I am doing this for myself. I love my body, but I want to be in good health and I want to have an abundant life. I don't want to take medicine or give myself shots and I don't want to be hospitalized. I want to be active for my marriage and my kids and I want to live the life I tell others about when I life coach. I want to take advantage of the fact that I wasn't maimed in my car accident, and that I can walk without a limp. I want to be an encouragement to those around me that hard work pays off and that you don't have to settle for being obese because it's a family curse.

I had to plan because I realized that lack of planning was a major reason why I was not successful in the past. I also need a long term commitment. Even though I am only doing Body by Todd for six weeks, I am committed to this lifestyle for the duration. Even in maintenance phase I will still work out and still eat healthy. This is something I have to be committed to for the duration.

Here is my schedule for this week. My meal plan is adapted from Dr. Ian Smith's Shred Diet:

Starting Weight: 229

Goal Weight: 198

Time: 6 weeks February 10- March 21, 2014

Weekly Weight Loss Goal: 5.3 pounds

	Monday	Tuesday	Wednesday	Thursday	Friday	Saturday	Sunday
AM	Treadmill- HIIT	Hip-hop abs	Healing Yoga	Day off	Treadmill- HIIT	Healing Yoga	Day off
PM	6:30 QVR	4:30 QVR	QVR home	Date night	QVR home

Day	Breakfast 9:00am	Snack 1 10:30am	Lunch 12:00pm	Snack 2 3:30pm	Dinner 5:30pm
Monday	Cereal w/almond milk orange	Pretzels with fat free cream cheese	1 bowl of soup Green beans	1 ½ low fat string cheese	1 serving of broccoli with baked potato
Tuesday	Protein shake	½ cup peanuts	Protein shake	½ apple	6oz chicken 2 cups broccoli 2 cups spinach salad
Wednesday	2 boiled egg whites Grapefruit	Cottage cheese	Turkey sandwich on bread, small green salad	10 baby carrots w/dressing	1 small taco with brown rice
Thursday	Grilled cheese sandwich Grapefruit	10 baby carrots w/hummus	1 small green salad, 1 bowl of soup	3 cups popcorn (movies)	Small salad with veggies 1 chicken breast
Friday	Cereal w/almond milk orange	30 grapes	Fruit Smoothie apple	1 ½ low fat string cheese	1 piece fish 1 piece of bread
Saturday	Oatmeal apple	1 hard-boiled egg	Fruit smoothie apple	Cottage cheese and fresh pineapple (1/4 cup of each)	2 slices of pizza 1 serving of broccoli
Sunday	Grapefruit 2 boiled eggs 2 piece toast 1 cup of juice	25 peanuts	Skip	Natures Valley Oats n’ Honey granola bar	Side salad w/veggies and 1 chicken

Show up

Monique Coleman really touched me with her talk at the Purple Party sponsored by Jewish Family Services today. She said to show up- really show up in your life. I felt some type of way about that. Tomorrow I start training- really taking serious the fact that I want to get below 200 pounds. I've worked on my weight since I was 10 years old but I never quite had the tools that I possess right now and I'm planning on showing up in a big way.

One thing I'm going to do is prove to myself how serious I am. Yall remember summer vacation? When your mom used to threaten you- "If you don't get up, clean up this house- you won't do nothing this summer." You thought, "Yeah, whatever," until that day she woke your butt up at the crack of dawn and made you clean the kitchen, scrub the floor, wash and iron the clothes and then said "No!" When you asked to go to the fair that weekend. Mom Dukes was serious, and fed up with the foolishness. Well, that's where I am right now. My brain is Mom Dukes and my body is the lazy teenager on summer break. I don't want to hear excuses, complaining or whining. I just want this mess cleaned up! Ha! And it starts tomorrow morning with my first Hiit cardio. I want to test myself and see how bad do I want it BEFORE I see my trainer at Body by Todd. I'm prepared, I'm excited and I'm motivated! Let's go!

Body by Todd

I'm thinking that my experience is more like Body by God. As much as I want to lose weight I don't hate my body. I'm ready to nuture and take care of it. I'm ready to be discerninv about everything that goes in my mouth. 

The informational session at Body by Todd was amazing. It was packed and I'm interested to see who sticks with it. The thing I'm most excited about are the weigh ins and class. 

I did find out that I'll have to invest some time into finding good running shoes and a good sports bra- or two. 

Weight is not everything

I got some unbelievable news the other day- I stepped on the scale and I have only gained one pound since ending the Master Cleanse. Generally I will gain around 5 pounds after the cleanse. But I have been trying to do the Shred diet and working out periodically- but still that surprises me. Just goes to show that weight is not the whole story. It can be random and sometimes not reflective of your (lack of) hard work. Losing weight is something you commit to- like being married or being a loving parent. It's something you get back up and do again and again and again. And I am committed. This weekend I did something I have never done before- I bought a Groupon to a personal trainer- Body by Todd. And I'm actually excited about it. I feel the transformation coming. I'm not abandoning The Shred Diet, but I need more accountability. I need to put more pressure on myself so that the diamond will emerge from the coal. I love my body the way it is- I just want more out of life. I want to push myself harder, set a better example for my kids, be a better wife... It's in there and it's almost within my grasp. And taking control of this weight problem is one of the final frontiers for me. It's something I've wanted for so long, I had it at one time in college when I got to 175 but now I want it again. It's been sixteen years since I've been below 200 pounds- but this is that year. Stay tuned...

The Struggle Continues

If it wasn't weight it would be something else, right? There is always another bridge to climb, another barrier to cross. I'm proud of how far I have come and I have to remind myself to be kind and gentle with myself. Talking with my support person on fb yesterday really helped. But the TOM struggle is real and so is the birthday cake that I'm getting this weekend for my daughter, Kaissa who turns 16!!! Tell me friends do you take a day off occassionally or once a week and if so does that help or increase the cravings? I tend to find when I do indulge that the food never tastes as good as I thought it would taste and that I end up feeling that I could have been stronger if I had just held out. This is my last week wavering. February has to start off strong (although Valentines Day may be another struggle). The great thing about this time in my life is that there are so many people around me with a similar struggle and I see how hard they are working and how the hard work really does pay off (Katie Calhoun) and I feel inspired to keep going! Let me know those of you who have made a New Year's Resolution to lose weight or exercise how it's going for you guys. Sistas in the struggle- we are going to make it to our goal. The picture on the opening page is my reminder of how far I have come. Let's go!

Weight loss woes

I am really struggling with the Shred Diet. It seems most of the people that are in the Shred Facebook group are doing phenomenal but I've always struggled with Shred from the beginning. I just get hungry and overeat at the end of the day. Or I miss a meal and overeat. There is not a lot of structure in my day and I thought being at the office 30 hours a week would help with that. But twice a week, our lessons revolve around a healthy meal. And that healthy meal was fetuccini alfredo- it may have been healthy because it was made with whole wheat pasta but it was not on the list of approved meals for my Shred Meal 3... But I ate it and the homemade french bread to go with it and because I was already off track, I came home and had tacos and tortillas....

And the cravings are escalating because it's that TOM. So I have a new support person who is going to try to help me during the weekends (I start taking one meal off and it becomes the whole weekend off). This is the second week that I haven't been able to successfully get through the week on Shred and I'm getting bummed. I did so well on the Master Cleanse but I think maybe I didn't cleanse long enough to get rid of all my cravings, because they seem to be here- and with a vengeance. I need a mantra or an affirmation that I say daily that reminds me of how far I've come and encourages me to keep going. All my office mates are trying to lose and eat healthy so that is really a plus- and I'm doing a much better job at managing the stress in my life...

So I'm going to give it my all and keep trying no matter how hard it is (and boy does it seem hard). I'm also going to confess to my accountability partner on Shred that I'm struggling and maybe she can help me.

Keeping Pace

So pretty much my whole life has been run in hyper speed. My mom said I was born late and I've been running late ever since. I don't know but I've barely had a moment to catch my breath between school, babies, marriages, divorces, moving, and all the other drama, car accidents, health problems, career changes...But through it all, my smile has remained the same, my spirit still soars and I am still expecting the best out of life.

Something strange is happening. I'm slowing down. I thinking more long term. I'm able to visualize my future and think of the things that it will take for me to get where I want to go. My husband told me it's better for us to life separate for a while and stay married forever rather than to rush to live together and divorce in a year. We are slowing down and thinking about the implications of our actions for our future. We are still fun and impulsive but now there is more of a balance.

And guess what? The weight is not so much an issue anymore. I step on the scale and I see the progress. I feel and know that my body is loved and cherished and that I'm doing what it takes to honor it. I value that one pound loss that a year ago I sucked my teeth at. I'm seeing the value of building your team of people that have character rather than those you totally agree with or get along with at all time. My relationships are progressing and evolving and I'm- can't believe I'm going to say this- losing the fear. I'm losing the fear of losing it all, or holding it too tightly. I'm learning to live in the moment and slow down so that the moment lasts.

So... I finished the Master Cleanse and felt great about it. I met my goal of staying on for 10 days and for getting down to 225. (Well I did orange juice Day 10 and I got down to 226) I feel very confident that this year will be different for me in terms of the commitment I'm making to take care of myself and the implications of that for my family and friends. I am challenged to work harder and continue to eat healthy and watch my body respond. If that happens in a month, great! If that takes 5 years? Great! Either way, I'll be doing myself a favor every day I honor it by eating great, live, healthy foods!

Day 9 Master Cleanse

I feel cleansed and refreshed but I am still dealing with cravings. I'm down to 224. My goal was 225 so I'm there. I know that once I go back to healthy eating, I will gain 3-5 pounds back. Also as soon as I get off the cleanse I am transitioning to Dr. Ian Smith's Shred diet. I have both the Shred and Super Shred diet and have not decided which one I will do first. They are six weeks and four weeks and you are supposed to interchange them for maximum weight loss. Any food right now looks like the Holy Grail, so I'm sure I'll be successful with either weight loss plan. The key is not starting but sticking with it even if I don't see the results that I am hoping for. The most noticeable difference for me with the Master Cleanse is that I don't feel sluggish or in pain when I wake up in the morning. My stomach feels so much flatter than it did before so that is definitely a plus. I have done aerobics three out of the nine days and hope to continue my pattern of working out 5 days a week. I will just drop Benji off and walk right downstairs at the JCC and work out. I have worked out for 30 minutes yesterday and today. My intensity was not the same as it was before I stopped working out because of my neck sprain and I feel a little hesitant to work out on the machines as hard because I don't know what I did to injure my neck. It's still a little sore now. The great thing about this journey is that I'm doing something to make sure that this year does not start and stop like last year did. I am leaving the 230s behind FOREVER!!!!!

Day 8, MLK Day

Today is Day 8 of the Master Cleanse. It was an amazing day today because it feels so good to almost finished with this journey. Although it hasn't been as perfect as I would like it to have been, I am really proud of my resiliency in doing this cleanse. My cravings are still there but I'm finding out ways to integrate my favorite foods into my diet and lifestyle change. There is not much more to talk about- doing it is the biggest part- but I do want to journal so that I'm able to chronicle what I'm doing this year. One of my challenges is that I always start out with a bang but I get bored or lazy and I don't follow through. So this journaling is holding me accountable- to myself and to you. The master cleanse is not the answer to a weight loss problem, it's a tool that I'm choosing to use in order to jump start my weight loss. It's important to restart and get all of the bad habits and greasy/fatty/salty/sweet foods out of your palate.

One of the biggest reasons why I am attempting to lose weight is in order to have a long and satisfying life. It is obvious that my weight problem was having an affect on my knees, my joints, my ankles, everything. I do not want to get five years older and need knee replacement or hip replacement. I need to see exercise is something that I commit to now but plan on doing for a lifetime, regardless of whether I hit my goal weight or not. In the past, many people work hard to lose the weight and then they begin to "life" while they are at their goal weight without realizing that if they don't do what they did to lose the weight, the weight will come right back.

My facebook, instagram and twitter pages are really going to help me stay focused. The Shred diet and Super Shred diets are on the floor next to my bed. I know that they will also be tools that I use to lose the weight in the future. I am also modeling a better way of eating for my children and the future generations. One thing that I will have to deal with throughout the weight loss are the feelings of inadequacy that a lot of people who are struggling to lose weight deal with. Even if you lose the weight, if you don't feel worthy, you will continue to self-sabatoge. I believe this is what is happening to a lot of people who have gotten the gastric bypass and then regained the weight.

This year, 2014, something is different. Just like last year for me and my finances, something was different. I am not the same girl I used to be. Something has clicked. There is no turning back, no more regressing. I am ready for the world that lies ahead of me in the body that I know is in there. Skinny girl- come forth! Lol. Just kidding, I don't aim to be skinny, but I do aim to control food and stop letting food control me!

Cleansing Day 3

Today was one of those great days on the Master Cleanse! I love Day 3. I felt so light when I woke up this morning. I love the feeling of not having to be stressed out about what to eat everyday. Now I feel like I am well on my way to making it for 10-14 days. The first three days are the worst. I am now thinking about what to do with all the time I have not worrying about eating/cooking.

I know I can accomplish what I set forth to accomplish. I have seen so much change in my life that I know this cleanse has been such a great asset to my life.

My co-workers are worried about my heart and my kidneys but I trust the Master Cleanse. Anyone interested in the cleanse can go to www.mastercleanse.org. I am part of a group cleanse right now so that is really helping me to stay focused. My husband is a trigger. We love to eat together and he makes the food so much better!!! I am thinking that I will eat Shabbat dinner. I usually eat Shabbat even when I''m fasting. I love eating with my hubby, especially Shabbat dinner.

Cleansing!!!!

Today is Day 1 of the Master Cleanse. I'm excited to rid my body of toxins and to consider getting my body in shape for another pregnancy. I am doing the group Master Cleanse which really helps to think of a group of people doing it together. Every time I do the Cleanse I thank God for Denise S. Her testimony for keeping the symptoms of MS at bay while she Cleansed regularly was so powerful. She introduced me to healthy living and I will always be eternally grateful that God placed her in my path.

The biggest thing I am cleansing from is animal products. I know that my voice being hoarse is the accumulation of mucus from eating so much cheese. I am prepared to abstain from dairy and meat through to my Birthday in order to achieve the results I desire. Now if I just add bread- simple carbs to the list- I will have a recipe for achieving my goals in 2014.

I purchased a scale because this time I know the number on the scale is going down. I'm committed to doing the Master Cleanse as long as it takes to achieve my goals. My goal is not a number on the scale- it's a confidence, the feeling I can put on a bathing suit in Israel and feel great. I know I can do it. And I'm holding myself accountable to you. My MC goal is 64 ounces a day for a minimum of 10 days. My church fast ends in 14 days so ideally I'd like to stay on MC until then. We'll see. I'm up at 5:30am thanks to Smoove Move and I'm about to get up and attum!

I Can't Stop Eating

When I was in High School, I had a meltdown with my best friend one day. The crying babbling ending with these words, "I can't stop eating!!!!" That became our mantra. It is applicable today. I think that maybe when I feel ravenous there is a hormonal reason (TOM) or I am dehydrated! Both are true right now but I feel so out of control with my eating right now. I have so many ideas about how to proceed but no clear plan. I need to commit to a way and implement it no matter what. I know that Monday I will start the Master Cleanse and that I will be able to break my cravings if I stay on that for 10 days. Right now that is my plan. In the meantime, I am on a fast with my church so I am abstaining from sugar, fried food and fast food, but it has not been easy. It's always worth it. I did have 2 days of exercising this week on the Wii. But once you get into going to the gym, it's hard to feel like you got a good work out at home. But I broke a sweat! I have to be kind and patient with myself but keep moving forward. I am not where I want to be, but like the Old Mothers say- thank God I'm not where I used to be!