Emotions are slamming to the surface, fear of failing has kept me from trying and I'm realizibg what an impact my recent inability to pass my Master's thesis has had on my confidence level. Look at my job, my level of pay...in no way commiserate with my experience, the people I surround myself with...I do not feel adequate for the task of losing weight. I want to curl in a ball with food. I am not giving it my all. I am giving in to my cravings. I have got to do better, have to get the weeds out of my forest. And despite what anyone says. I AM NOT A GORILLA!

Still exercising! Not with as much vigor as I did in the beginning. I took Monday off and I've struggled to get back on the bandwagon. Mainly I found that the later it is, the harder it is to workout. So I'm up at 8 am about to do a workout on uverse video on demand. I'm still visualizing the new slimnique! Ok, gotta go, we'll discuss my food choices (boo)next time

Why not start today? I don't want diabetes. I don't want high cholesterol. I don't want heart disease- I don't want to leave my children for someone else to raise. I want to be a vital, vivacious wife for my very healthy and health conscious husband. As I've said before- I want more out of life.

I'm in conferences until 2pm but I have made up my mind to be dressed and on the treadmill by 2:15 (I was there by 2:30). Today for breakfast I ate 1/2 egg, slice of pineapple, and a small blueberry muffin. No carb crash.

I want to be better. I'm losing sight of exactly what that means, however. It used to be skinny, rich, famous author, famous rapper. But now it looks more like just happy and just healthy. Looks like serenity, peace and security. Looks more like healthy offspring who are confident and able to go into the world to make a difference. It sounds cliched, but it's real. It's working everyday to have a more meaningful, more fufilling partnership with my husband.

It's understanding myself more as I strive to help others understand me. It's reflecting my experiences without allowing my experiences to define me.

I am a work in process. The hardest part of my journey has been accepting the NOW. Not trying to rush through childhood to get to adulthood (which to me equalled freedom).

I am slowing down-have been ever since I had the twins. I'm trying to hold on to each precious moment-photograph it in my memory. A blossoming 15 year old holding a growing 7 month old (click).

Today I'm still striving to be a better me. (written 3/7/2011)

There's been so much going on, I still havent made it to the grocery store. I've been working a double shift, part time law gig on the side and preparing for a big conference Sunday-Weds. So it's been pizza and chinese take out. Then Kalia got her wisdom teeth removed so we had to pig out the night before-Toll House cookies. And the list goes on. But the real issue here is the impending change and my resistance to that change. Eating right feels so good but the energy to change is sometimes elusive if you're not focused. And I've got to get focused.

Breathe. Motivation. Prepare. I am feeling mindful and doing things in love. When you do things in love, it feels less difficult. It's sunny today. My co-workers and I are discussing giving up fast food for Lent. That will solve many of the issues posed in yesterday's blog. Kalia packed my lunch today (muah). Jerronica came up with our pack for Lent (muah). Today is another chance to do more than I did yesterday.

Just One of Those Days

Today, I woke up to thunder and lightening. I woke up afraid. I woke up thinking of all the horrible things that could happen. Today was one of the days that has led me to weigh 259. Today I had way too much on my plate. I was practicing law, shuttling a daughter to the dentist, navigating returning to my second job after being away with sick kids for a week, plus a myriad of errands here and there. I didn't pack lunch this morning. I had a Honey Wheat Bagel from Tim Hortons and a Hot Chocolate for breakfast, and in haste, a double stack from Wendy's for lunch. I paid for that choice. I didn't have any energy, I was irritable and ready to cry after being away from my son from 8:30am to 6pm. I survived but did not thrive today. I couldn't wait to order a pizza and curl up in the bed. But first I had to shuttle daughter to dance and pick her up at 9pm. Painful, sacrificial, tears just at the brim of my eyes. I asked someone close to me to help with something. They didn't have time. This brought up feelings of rejection. Which made me want to eat more. I didn't keep track of my calories because I didn't want to put in my iphone that I had eaten the double stack (denial). I still had a desire to write, because I am going to figure out what these trigger points are, and I'm going to stop being pushed to food, the way alcoholics are drawn to happy hour and drug addicts are drawn to call their supplier. I have to eat, but I don't have to keep making these choices knowing they sap the energy and vitality out of me. It's so obvious that good choices lead to feeling better, and poorer choices lead to feelings of inadequacy, but in the moment of impulse, we tend to do what comes easiest. And usually that is what we are in the habit of doing. Today was #Projectfail. No physical activity (unless you count taking the stairs at the courthouse and walking two blocks); compulsive eating; lack of meal planning; lack of fruits and vegetable; fast food. But there's always tomorrow...

All Great Things Start Somewhere

Somethings been holding me back. I write about it alot and think about it even more. The root is fear. This I am very clear about. However it has morphed into one very visible issue in my life, my weight. Mine is the classic life long battle with weight. I was born almost ten pounds, and my mother swears the doctor put me on my first diet by the time I was three months old. I wore a gurdle everyday from fifth grade until the end of high school. My weight never stopped me from achieving my goals or from "getting the guy" but my inability to control my weight filled the pages of my diary. At night when I dream I am size nine, I move effortlessly. I don't have to check and make sure my shirt is pulled down over my jeans. I wouldn't have to shop in specialty shops where clothes are made for "less urban" women. Most importantly I'd be healthy, free from the threats of diabetes, high blood pressure, and the other myriad of health concerns that play obese, specifically black women. As appealing as my fly new J-Hud body may be the most signifigant benefit to my lossing weight will be my improved quality of life and legacy of health for my six children. I breastfed all six of them in an attempt to lessen their chances of being obese. From a young age they were active in dance and sports. However my sedentary lifestyle and knack for fast food has had an impact. So my imputis is not just for me but for my children and my children's children and down the line.

I must be honest to admit that I weigh 259 pounds is humbling. But admission and honesty are the first steps to changing in this situation. I am happy, my life is very rewarding and fulfilling. But I want more. I want to experience my best life, to borrow Oprah's phrase. I have so many friends and family members that have climbed this mountain and lost weight for life. I just want to join them. I am inspired mostly by Jennifer Hudson's public weight loss, Yolanda Sabio, Terrel Robbinson, Ruth Carter, Marci Wasserstrom, Terree Stevenson, Nakea Hughes, Shawntay Beckford, Ashley Koff, and countless others who battle a past of obesity and make better choices daily. I am forming a plan and I am committed to doing SOMETHING daily. Feel free to comment, join me, or just pray for my strength. Ashe.