Emotions are slamming to the surface, fear of failing has kept me from trying and I'm realizibg what an impact my recent inability to pass my Master's thesis has had on my confidence level. Look at my job, my level of pay...in no way commiserate with my experience, the people I surround myself with...I do not feel adequate for the task of losing weight. I want to curl in a ball with food. I am not giving it my all. I am giving in to my cravings. I have got to do better, have to get the weeds out of my forest. And despite what anyone says. I AM NOT A GORILLA!

Still exercising! Not with as much vigor as I did in the beginning. I took Monday off and I've struggled to get back on the bandwagon. Mainly I found that the later it is, the harder it is to workout. So I'm up at 8 am about to do a workout on uverse video on demand. I'm still visualizing the new slimnique! Ok, gotta go, we'll discuss my food choices (boo)next time

Why not start today? I don't want diabetes. I don't want high cholesterol. I don't want heart disease- I don't want to leave my children for someone else to raise. I want to be a vital, vivacious wife for my very healthy and health conscious husband. As I've said before- I want more out of life.

I'm in conferences until 2pm but I have made up my mind to be dressed and on the treadmill by 2:15 (I was there by 2:30). Today for breakfast I ate 1/2 egg, slice of pineapple, and a small blueberry muffin. No carb crash.

I want to be better. I'm losing sight of exactly what that means, however. It used to be skinny, rich, famous author, famous rapper. But now it looks more like just happy and just healthy. Looks like serenity, peace and security. Looks more like healthy offspring who are confident and able to go into the world to make a difference. It sounds cliched, but it's real. It's working everyday to have a more meaningful, more fufilling partnership with my husband.

It's understanding myself more as I strive to help others understand me. It's reflecting my experiences without allowing my experiences to define me.

I am a work in process. The hardest part of my journey has been accepting the NOW. Not trying to rush through childhood to get to adulthood (which to me equalled freedom).

I am slowing down-have been ever since I had the twins. I'm trying to hold on to each precious moment-photograph it in my memory. A blossoming 15 year old holding a growing 7 month old (click).

Today I'm still striving to be a better me. (written 3/7/2011)

There's been so much going on, I still havent made it to the grocery store. I've been working a double shift, part time law gig on the side and preparing for a big conference Sunday-Weds. So it's been pizza and chinese take out. Then Kalia got her wisdom teeth removed so we had to pig out the night before-Toll House cookies. And the list goes on. But the real issue here is the impending change and my resistance to that change. Eating right feels so good but the energy to change is sometimes elusive if you're not focused. And I've got to get focused.

Breathe. Motivation. Prepare. I am feeling mindful and doing things in love. When you do things in love, it feels less difficult. It's sunny today. My co-workers and I are discussing giving up fast food for Lent. That will solve many of the issues posed in yesterday's blog. Kalia packed my lunch today (muah). Jerronica came up with our pack for Lent (muah). Today is another chance to do more than I did yesterday.